In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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