he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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