So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
