I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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