I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
