Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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