I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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