Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
