New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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