I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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