A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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