Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
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