I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
