Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
