I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
