i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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