Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
