We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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