my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Randomize
