im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Randomize
