There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
These tits shall not be calmed
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
