The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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