you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
