I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
