she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
