peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Randomize
