M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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