Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize