I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
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