I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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