I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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