my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
