my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
