The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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