Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
