the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
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