Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Randomize
