I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Just took my morning after pill in the library
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
