I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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