god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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