you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
