Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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