You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
