I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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