Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Still dying that you shit outside
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize