so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
my being single is dangerous.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
