beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
