All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
