there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Randomize
