Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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