Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
