That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
