Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
