i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
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