I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
