from now on my penis is your penis
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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