He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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