I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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