He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
