I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
