god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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