I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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